Weighing our values against our capacity
This blog post takes some foundational principles of Kendra Adachi in The Lazy Genius and hopes to take them a step farther in application.
“I know my kids shouldn’t ______ but I just gave up.”
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard some variation of this statement. Not just about kids from parents, but everyone. It’s far too easy to judge ourselves by some societal (or made up) standard. Or more challenging: the standards of perfection we set for ourselves. We know we can never keep up, and so the shame rolls on as we feel burdened by the weight of our own weakness.
The reality is, we can’t “do it all”. Yet, in every season or circumstance of our lives we are constantly weighing our values against our capacity.
When we can rightly identify our values and capacity we can then more easily make choices that bring us peace and help us not feel the shame of weakness or failure.
Values and capacity
What is a value? Simple put, whatever is most important to you. You most likely have underlying foundational values in your life, home, and family that you want to be consistent overtime. You also have lighter, more flexible values (things you care about!), that come and go with seasons, activities or times of the year. At times our values can compete with each other and seem paradoxical. Or they may naturally align.
When we struggle to keep up with the expectations of ourselves and others we need to started with identifying what we are valuing. Naming our values is the first step because it’s the foundation or the WHY behind what we do. When we start with naming our values it can bring clarity to the root of the issue. It can help us see the “big picture” and then make choices to problem solve whatever barriers or stress we are facing.
Naming a value is naming what matters.
LISTEN IN: The Lazy Genius Podcast
Kendra Adachi talks about “naming what matters” a LOT on the Lazy Genius Podcast. I really recommend listening to her content. Many of Kendra’s Lazy Genius principles are influencing concepts within this post. I’m thankful for her teaching and clear approach to breaking down struggles and issues, making solutions more approachable and easy to apply.
Here are some of my foundational values that I hope never change:
Connection with God, and growing as a disciple of Jesus
Investing in my marriage
Being engaged and present with my children
Listening well to others, and being respectful
Working hard and offering my best in whatever I do
Here are some of my flexible values that may shift depending on the season or circumstance:
Time in person with extended family several times in the year
Working both inside (home care) and outside the home (vocation/career)
Growing flowers and food in my garden at my home
Having a clean and orderly home
Eating fresh and nutritious food
Serving others in my local church
Enjoying an annual vacation with my family
Whatever we value, it takes a certain amount of capacity to pursue or hold that value. If we don’t have the capacity to uphold that value then we easily feel overwhelmed, weak, or self identify as a failure. Shame easily creeps in as we see the reality of our weaknesses, and yet shame can also prevent us from pivoting to make simple changes in order to pursue what is most important to us.
Capacity can include: physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual energy in order to pursue whatever goal or value you have.
Our capacity is constantly changing depending on our season of life (Another of Kendra’s Lazy Genius principles: “name your season”!). When we rightly identify our capacity or season, we hopefully won’t feel as overwhelmed with knowing which choices to make toward accomplishing our values. When our capacity changes or shifts, it can impact how tightly we may hold some values. This may be for a short period, or sometimes for longer.
It doesn’t mean we need to reject or throw away our values. But when we lack the capacity to uphold them, we need to make choices to find more support, or be willing to adjust how that value is upheld.
Let’s explore how values and capacity interact with each other and how we can be flexible with both while honouring ourselves and others.
When we can rightly identify our values and capacity we can then more easily make choices that bring us peace and help us not feel the shame of weakness or failure.
An example
Background: We had a busy fall of ministry with packed weekends, hosted two international students in our home, and potty-trained our toddler while also caring for an infant. Preparing our family to live short-term in Hong Kong for several weeks also took a lot of mental and emotional energy as travelling 24hrs with two young kids on two flights is a huge undertaking.
Our flight to Hong Kong was on December 18. Our two international students left our home on December 16. When international students live in our home for several months, there is quite a bit of work involved to deep clean their rooms and bathroom when they leave. At the same time, the week before we left we were busy arranging and packing 4 checked luggage bags, 2 pack n plays, carry-ons, snacks for the plane, and backpacks with supplies and activities for our kids. We did not travel light (If you’re thinking YIKES!, I’m with you).
Anyone who goes on a big trip knows the chaos that ensues in the home when you are trying to get ready to leave and run out the door. Heck, that happens on an average Wednesday trying to get to daycare and work on time. Most people often leave their home in varying degrees of mess. Except my family growing up. When we travelled it was a value to leave our home in a clean, orderly state so that we could return to a clean space when the trip was over. Isn’t it so much nicer to return home after a long and tiring trip to a home that’s ready to receive you instead of more work and mess that needs to be cared for?
My value = Returning to a clean home at the end of our trip.
Capacity needed to meet that value = Physical energy and time to deep clean my students rooms and bathroom in the 48 hours between them leaving and us leaving, along with time and energy to clean the house as we did final packing, and tried to rest as much as possible so that we didn’t get on a 20+hr flight already exhausted.
If you’re thinking the amount I needed to pack, while caring for two young kids, and deep cleaning my house doesn’t seem realistic––it wasn’t.
As our trip grew closer this past fall I started to feel more and more anxious knowing I was not going to be able to live up to my value––I simply didn’t have the margin, time, or physical energy to do the work needed to make sure I left my home the way I wanted to.
As I talked this over with my husband we realized we had 2 options:
Letting go my idea of how a clean home “should” be after a trip. Potentially being willing to leave my home in a state of mess and dealing with it after we get home.
Finding someone else to help clean our home.
When we assessed the capacity of friends and family close by and their willingness/interest in helping clean our house it didn’t seem very likely. It’s not that others aren’t able to help, but the amount of work and time involved is a lot to ask someone to take on!
Thankfully we were able to arrange some financial capacity to hire a cleaning service to come clean our home a few days before we arrive. We don’t use the services of a cleaning company often (only once before), and it’s definitely a luxury.
If we didn’t have the financial, time, or physical energy to get support for our home then it would have needed to be left and dealt with when we return. Which doesn’t make us a failure. It means we may need to loosen the hold on that value of returning to a clean home ready to receive us.
If we don’t have the capacity to pursue our values, either how our values are expressed may need to shift or we need to find more support to help meet those values.
Identifying the value and our capacity clearly helped us make choices leading to peace even in light of our own weakness and inability to uphold those values on our own.
So for those who are living in the mindset of , “I know I shouldn’t _____ but I gave up,” know that your weakness to meet your values isn’t necessarily a failure. Try clarifying what exactly you are valuing. You may have two competing values that are at odds with each other in light of your current capacity or season.
Perhaps you value your children not spending time on screens, but you also value peace and quiet in your home in the evenings after school and before dinner. But with your current capacity and ability you can’t hold the boundary of no screens AND pursue the value of peace at the end of an exhausting day (this ability may change as your capacity increases or shifts). So you recognize the reality of your capacity and shift how your values may be expressed, allowing your kids a bit more screen time because you know everyone needs a bit more peace and less chaos. It doesn’t mean it’s forever, and you can reassess your capacity and ability to hold the line on less screens another day, week, or season.
When we rightly identify which values matter the MOST to us, or which ones we are trying to pursue, we can also name our capacity, helping us make choices leading to peace even in the midst of our weakness. Living in light of our weakness doesn’t have to equal living overwhelmed with shame––we simply need more or different support to pursue what matters most.
Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash.