Life with a newborn
This is a short collection of writing that was published on my Instagram within the first few weeks of our daughter’s life. They say the first six weeks of a babe’s new life are filled with the most adjustment. Here’s some snippets of mine.
Grief and change
Written 5 days postpartum.
Today is the first official day of fall. With new seasons comes change, and even though I love the change of seasons I hate change.
This past year has been very emotional and birthing a child brings our family into a new season of change that can be a lot to process. Also the post-birth hormones have got me going good.
There’s grief over our old simple life together, with just B and me, and then with Robin.
There’s relief in having a healthy baby, a year after having a miscarriage and then being so sick in pregnancy and worrying over Covid––if we would make it to the finish line okay.
There’s processing over the birth itself, when there was a dramatic baby heart rate drop that stabilized at the last moment (a miracle from God)––of which I didn’t even know about at the moment because I was so out of it.
There’s exhaustion from lack of sleep and adjustment to all the things.
There’s marvelling at my body and how strong it is, and how well it’s recovering even at 5 days PP.
At the same moment I miss our old life, I already miss those hospital days last week. I feel excited for what’s to come, and I also struggle with what I’ve left behind.
I always struggle with change and transition (I wept on the last night in our old apartment and for a few days in our new one).
Yet there’s beauty in these days. The seasons and fall weather remind me of God’s design and goodness and joy. And so I can hopefully let go and surrender all that I was holding onto for so long and take a step forward moment by moment.
Prayers appreciated for this new mama, friends. ❤️
Stillness
Written 2 weeks postpartum.
Searching out 𝗍hose serene moments because they are few and far between these days.
It’s true all newborns do is eat, sleep, and poop. She’s great at the last two, but it’s the eating we’re still sorting out.
I’m reminded constantly to focus on the big picture: how much weight she’s gained, how healthy she is, and how much she’s grown and improved in eating since she was born. God has been so active in providing the most incredible medical team and support.
So when I feel extra tired or need some fresh air, I look outside and see the beauty of fall and soak in a serene and peaceful moment. While the early weeks of newborn life can feel like a blur all together, I need to pause and soak it in.
Breastfeeding
Written 3 weeks postpartum.
The midwife looked at me in the hospital and said, “You know, breastfeeding is a two person relationship. You both will work on it together.”
I never considered that. I thought E would just naturally want to breastfeed, and if there were issues it would be on my end. I didn’t anticipate E having a hard time feeding because of her own challenges.
Since three weeks ago I’ve learned so much. About 5 different ways to hold a baby and feed. How to give myself––and her––grace and patience. Also how to persevere when I feel like I’ve reached my end.
Learning to feed my child felt rocky at first. When we thought a tongue tie was released and “fixed” in the hospital we were thankful––turns out it wasn’t. And her lack of tongue mobility was preventing her from sucking anything at all.
From feeding with a syringe, pumping on day 1, trying a few different bottles, supplementing with a mix of formula and milk, pumping after every feed, painful clogged ducts, needing APNO cream, to transitioning to the breast—our feeding journey was also filled with so much support and a ton of medical appts.
I’m so thankful for all the friends who responded to 3am texts and sent resources and suggestions for where to go and who to see. And prayed for us on really hard days.
Thankfully we were able to get E’s tongue released last week and she’s slowly learning how to use her tongue properly to feed. We seemed to have turned a corner and after the first 3 weeks are coming out of a bit of a fog of exhaustion, hormones, and feeding woes. And E has far surpassed her birth weight and is growing wonderfully.
We have been so blessed by so many and cared for and led by God. We’re still at the start of our breastfeeding journey (one that will still include occasional pumping and bottles), and I’m hopeful for where we are headed.
The ability to feed and provide for a child is unique and mind-blowing. How my body immediately responds to hers, and wakes me up to feed at the exact right moment even when I’m still half asleep. It’s an incredible design that blows me away.
Marriage
Written 5 weeks postpartum.
Marriage with a newborn is a whole new season. Of deep joys and also unique challenges.
Right after E was born I was overwhelmed with new love for my husband. Giving birth was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and having him by my side helped me get to the finish line. I felt more connected and grateful than ever before.
As we sat in the hospital, he held our hours-old daughter and said, “I can’t believe that some men, after walking through it all: pregnancy, labor, and birth, would want to cheat on their wives. It makes no sense.”
I hope it always feels this way.
Enter: sleep deprivation.
I was reminded this week that in this season of lack of sleep and new challenges (breastfeeding is going SO much better but is still exhausting sometimes), that it’s impossible to be on my “A game” emotionally.
The strain lack of sleep places on our bodies, minds, souls, hearts––it transfers over into our marriages too. Both of us get up to serve and care for each other and the baby, and it’s easy to feel as if it’s unappreciated.
When those feelings of exhaustion or overwhelm come, we’re quick to be harsh or short tempered with each other first. (At least I am!). As if by controlling the other person we could somehow control this child who loves to live outside the bounds of our preferences.
Newborns (and most children) are impossible to will to do anything. Seems like God forgot to include an off-button in the birth package.
I’m reminded how even as we care for this child, our marriage still needs to be the centre of our home. The best foundation we can offer E is a healthy and strong marriage relationship between us. So in the challenges of little rest, I need to offer more grace, listen first, quick forgiveness, and comfort to the one who has been faithful by my side through it all.
To be married with a newborn is a reminder we can’t do it all, but also we need to be building each other up each day to love fiercely.
Also we need naps! 😴
Exercise and recovery
Written 6 weeks postpartum.
It’s my first time back at Body Pump at the 6 week mark postpartum. I’m so thankful for how my body has recovered and how I’m feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally. The community at Goodlife Fitness has been incredible pre-during-post pregnancy.
But friends: going to the gym and choosing to exercise is hard. It took perseverance and grit before my pregnancy, during my third trimester (took a break during 1+2), and now. But I know showing up makes a difference.
Even if I have to leave my new babe for an hour or so. Even if I have to battle discouraging or hard thoughts. Moving my body and setting an example for my family of pursuing strength and health is 100% worth it.