How to choose long term friends
A few months before my university graduation I started to feel anxious: my social circles were shifting and I felt very much on the edge of a cliff and I couldn't see how far it was to the bottom. A few of my peers had already graduated and moved away, and my closest friends were a few years younger than me sitting comfortably in the middle of their undergrads.
"Oh yes," said my mentor. "You're entering that post-grad transition period. I'm in it too - it sucks."
I felt very much alone, although there were other people around me in the same life stage. That post-university-being-in-your-20s life stage. With so.much.change. It was terrifying. What made it scarier, was that my social security was dramatically shifting too, and I didn't have the certainty that those friends who journeyed with me the past 4 years were going to be there as I jumped into the next life stage.
Many of them weren't there. And although I initially felt some grief and sadness over that loss, I've learned that it's okay.
3 types of friends
I've since learned (and experienced) there are 3 types of friends:
circumstantial friendship (we're friends because we work together)
seasonal friendship (we're friends because we're in the season of high school together)
long term friendship (we’re friends through many seasons, changes, and stages of life–we can’t foresee who these long term friends will be)
There is real grief as we process the loss of friends who we thought and expected to be long term friends but they weren't. They moved away, or as our lives went two very different directions, there wasn't much holding us together anymore. It's normal in your mid-20s to feel unsettled in life as you start new jobs, move to new places, and meet new people. Your friendships will change, for both good and bad.
My mom spent my whole life telling me, "Erin you can't do everything." Sadly she was right. I've learned that applies to my friendships as well. You can't be friends with everyone, and sometimes you need to learn how to let people go so that you both can grow and thrive in the new places you find yourselves in.
I can choose my friendships
Now as I firmly sit in my late 20s, I've discovered a lot of social and emotional freedom as I give myself permission to choose my friends. There were some people that I needed to say goodbye or no to in terms of being able to offer a close friendship. Either our lives didn't intersect anymore, or they weren't an emotionally healthy person for me to invest in, freeing myself from the burden of feeling like I needed that connectedness with them, gave me more space to invest in the people God placed before me.
It's not that I'm not still nice and acknowledge those people, but they don't fit in my inner circle and that's okay. I can't have 30 people in my inner circle, I would be so drained and emotionally exhausted.
What’s humbling however, is that as you choose which friends you want to invest in long term, they are doing the same things. There’s a chance they may not choose you.
It’s a bit like dating when we have a “define the relationship” conversation. I had one with a friend a year ago and it was awkward and painful. Even though she had moved away for a few years I really wanted to maintain the friendship and a sense of “closeness”. When she moved back I reached out and wanted to connect and invest but she wasn’t reciprocating. She wouldn’t reply to texts, didn’t have time/energy to have video calls, and wasn’t able to meet in person.
Sounds like she didn’t want to be my friend right?
I ended up calling her one day and sharing with her how I felt. Through tears, I shared that I really did want to be her friend, I loved her. And if she didn’t want to be my friend anymore I understood, but I needed some clarity about that. What an awkward conversation! I’m sure you’re thinking “WOW, I could never do that.” I guess I was feeling really deeply about it, and closure and context are super helpful to help you let go and move on. Rejection sucks, but feelings of rejection don’t last forever.
It turns out she did want to be my friend. But she was experiencing culture shock as she moved home and was struggling to figure out her life and next steps. She was just overwhelmed. Having that conversation helped me know where she was at so I could encourage and love her well in our friendship.
Sometimes there are seasons where it’s not possible to feel that same level of “closeness” as perhaps you once did. Being a good friend means that even when we don’t feel completely fulfilled, we don’t respond with demands. We seek to meet others where they are at, trusting that God can bring new seasons of “closeness” in the future, even if it’s a bit different. Change is hard, and often we need to grieve what feels lost, not knowing what the future holds. But even if a friendship looks different in the future, it can still be good–just in a different way than before.
Who should be a long term friend?
How do we know which friends to choose and invest in, even through life stages and changes? It’s not an easy question to answer–and remember they need to choose you too–but here are some criteria that have helped me invest wisely, but also let go of others.
Emotional maturity: Friends who can handle situations without unnecessarily escalating them. Instead of blaming others for their problems, they accept responsibility and try to change their behaviour or fix the problem.
Friends who struggle with emotional maturity just end up being surrounded by drama, and it’s exhausting. I’ve even been this immature friend to others–and what helped ME grow and mature was when they came to me and lovingly invited me to change. It was painful, but those conversations filled with truth, love, and grace, can be life changing.
Common interests: If you don’t have anything in common, you won’t naturally be drawn together. This can often start with surface interests, but at some point there needs to be something deeper tying you together. Often that looks like faith. But it can also be similar marriages, life stages, living close together and being in the same community, or deep passions.
Resilience: These friends are able to bounce back and re-engage through change, loss, or trial. Some friends just stick with you, regardless of life and they end up being incredible blessings. I think friends who love through resilience are gifts of grace from God. We often don’t know who these friends will be from the beginning but when we look back we see the evidence of their proven friendship over time.
Reciprocal: Relationships can’t exist one-sided. I’m a high initiative person, and so I’ve found myself in friendships where I’ve done most of the work. But it’s not realistic and you cannot carry the burden and weight of the relationship solely on your own shoulders. Again, healthy long term friendships involve a “choosing” of each other on both sides. There may be some seasons and periods where one person will reach out more than the other, but at some point it should even out and be balanced.
Accepting change
What can help you navigate the stress and messiness of changing friendships is to accept that while your friends may change overtime, you will change too. When you shift into a different life stage (highschool–university–graduation–marriage–children–empty nesting), you will go through drastic change and it may not be possible to remain friends with certain people. Especially when you get married and then have kids, your world reorients in a great way, but some people can’t fit into that picture anymore.
Look around
To hopefully end off with some hope, look around. Who has God placed in your life in this season or circumstance? Start there. Invest wisely and love others deeply. Walk in faith, knowing that the right long term friends will surface in time, but at this point we don’t know for certain who they will be. If you need clarity or closure on a friendship that has somewhat expired, it may be helpful to have a conversation with them, giving them and yourself freedom to move forward without each other.
If you already see some long term friends in your life, show gratitude and continue to choose each other. Relationships take effort and investment–and it’s worth it in the long run.
Photo by Priscilla du Preez