I went on a silent retreat

Around Christmas of 2019, I sensed from God an invitation to enter the 2020 year to pursue silence and stillness as a way to both connect with God and be grounded in him, and also to minister to my heart, soul, and body. 

2019 was a great year, involving exciting outputs like preparing for marriage, getting married, adjusting to marriage, preparing for a conference, giving the conference talk, increased responsibilities and projects at work, stress and change at work, and then living all of that out faithfully. Then there were added stresses of Church involvement feeling hard, and lacking the type of ministering investment that I need to thrive. Are you surprised if I told you that by mid-November I physically and emotionally crashed?  

Part of the “crashing” involved having record low levels of B12, and so I’m thankful that I was able to start injections to help give my body extra energy support and get my levels up. But I needed to address the emotional and mental load that I was carrying, as well as figure out how to really thrive amidst all the adjustment and changes in my life (in work, Church, ministry, and marriage). 

Let’s not even mention our month away in Asia in January (which had lots of celebrations but also stresses with the launching of COVID-19), and that we needed to self quarantine upon coming home because we were at risk of being exposed to the virus. 

It’s not surprising that when I sit in counselling the common message coming out of my mouth is, “It’s all too much.” 

Do you feel like life often feels “too much”? Or perhaps like me, you feel absolutely inadequate to tackle what the day, week, month has to offer? 

I’m learning how to adjust well, and to remain grounded and at peace regardless of the circumstances around me. This heart work started back in December, and yet has never felt more needed as we enter a worldwide pandemic with the onslaught of COVID-19 and the social panic, anxiety, and hysteria that seems to bombard us. 

I felt an invitation from God to be still, and have extended periods of silence to help my heart, mind, soul experience a sense of calm. Often people will call this meditation, or even see similar benefits of practising yoga – but I see how God in the Bible points us towards this so clearly through the spiritual rhythms of sabbath, prayer, abiding in Jesus, stillness, simplicity, and being ground in reading the Bible. 

After listening to John Mark Comer and Jefferson Bethke’s 10 episode podcast, Fight Hustle, End Hurry on some of these spiritual rhythms I was inspired to take a step of faith and try a silent retreat. They apparently exist, I just needed to find one. I thought, this may give me the structure and support that I need to really try this on a larger scale in my life. 

A whole weekend retreat in silence and stillness can sound super intimidating, but it ended up being exactly what I needed to get started practicing silence and stillness, with the goal of being grounded in God and experience deep soul rest. 

I did a quick google search and realized there was a Jesuit retreat centre in my city that hosted silent retreats throughout the year. You can explore their upcoming retreats here. 

The weekend started on a Friday night at 7:30pm and ended at lunch on Sunday. It was silent the entire weekend. I didn’t talk. Others didn’t talk to me. I also had a technology break and left my phone at home. 

My body started to unwind, like a coil bound too tightly and I realized that I felt fatigued and sick. I was given my own room with a bed, desk, chair and sink, and ended up sleeping 9+ hours a night and taking naps in the afternoons. 

It’s ironic that the silent retreat was filled with the sound of my nose blowing as my body suddenly became super sick, but what can I do? I’m thankful people seemed gracious, but they couldn’t say anything to me otherwise. 

So what do you do on a silent retreat? 

I didn’t really know going into the weekend. I brought a few things to do, like my bible, journal, a colouring book, pencil crayons, and a book on marriage that I received from my wedding. The style of retreat I went on was guided and semi-directed. We had a few short sessions where the leader would share reflections on the heart of Jesus to prompt us as we spent time with God on our own. I appreciated those reflections from the Jesuit priests. 

In silence, I wasn’t sure what would “come out” so to speak. Was I going to be able to handle the fullness of myself? The barrenness of my weaknesses, or the challenges in my heart? The questions and uncertainty that I had about the future? 

I ended up spending time considering my life, marriage, struggles. But also reflected on truths about God. I read a book about marriage and learned a bit about myself–but ended up exploring more about my parents and my childhood wounds that still impact my current relationships. I tried Lectio Divina prayer, and met with a spiritual director for the first time (the only 30min period that I spoke). 

I blew my nose (a lot), ate really, really good food, and slept. I did feel a bit bored by Saturday evening. And I missed my husband. I also spent time looking outside, paying attention to the way the sun hit the snow, considering how that applied to the goodness of God hitting areas of “winter” in my life that feel full of challenge.  

In extended periods of silence I felt settled. Free to think, question, consider, and just “be”. In a lifestyle that often emphasizes what I “do”, or fail to do, it was refreshing just to “be” – with myself and with God. To know that he loves me and cherishes me, and invites me to stay with him a little while. In the absence of distraction and input I was able to really pay attention to deeper areas in my heart that don’t get enough of my attention. 

I also found it refreshing to be surrounded by other Christians of a different denomination and expression of faith than me. I didn’t find myself agreeing with everything they said or did, but I saw how God was actively still ministering to me through them. 

I find fear-based thinking exhausting and tiring for my soul. A constant analysis on the thoughts and actions of others and coming to premature conclusions is a bit soul sucking. I’ll leave that work for the Holy Spirit and the grace and mercy of God to navigate with others, and just focus on how I can obey and follow Jesus where he’s leading me. 

Coming out of the retreat I felt like there was so much to share with my husband and close friends, but also that much of the work I did with God was sacred in the quiet and obscure places. I can see how people go on these types of retreats once or twice a year. 

Now, I’m trying to figure out how to incorporate rhythms of silence and stillness in my days and weeks. I’m not quite sure I’ve figured it out. But I think it is related to leaving more margin in my schedule, being careful at how much news and media I’m consuming, and having space in the day for quiet activities. 

I’m learning and making mistakes, but I’m already reaping the benefits of these practices on a small scale. I hope I can inspire you towards the same. 

Photo credit Priscilla Du Preez