B + E | We are newlyweds
When I was single I longed for the newlywed life. To be married, have a best friend, partner in life, and support in challenges. To me it seemed like security. Relational security at least.
But when I was engaged and preparing in many ways to actually be married, I was gripped with fear and worries. I begun “worse-case scenario” planning in my mind, just in case. That’s my old and present friend, Anxiety, coming out. He likes to linger and hide just below the surface of most feelings. I worried about being able to sleep at night, about if I would get enough alone time, how we would eat, or how the apartment should operate best etc.
Being married for 2 months now I’ve had so many close friends come and ask me how we are doing, and specifically asking about these concerns that I had leading up to the wedding. It’s hard to know what being married will be like until you’re actually married! The pressure of the unknown was a lot.
A lot of my anxiety is tricky because it involves things that can be real issues/concerns, but they are based in fear and not fact. They are things that could be true, but most often won’t be. It’s normal to experience stress and fear in hardship, but most of my anxiety is misplaced fear about things that usually don’t end up happening. It’s a lot of wasted emotional energy, and it’s super draining.
In this newlywed season I’ve been so thankful that many of my pre-marriage fears haven’t been an issue. Living with B is great. It has its moments of adjustment and transition (which can be hard and challenging), but it’s mostly great. Seriously. We see how different we are, and yet how much we really do complement each other.
For instance, he basically cooks most of our meals. This has been a huge blessing in this season of demanding work, balancing home life, and the reality that I don’t love cooking. But, my administrative skills are helping us stay organized, plan ahead with the calendar, and tackle the admin and details with changing bank info, merging ministry info, and organizing the home. With finances, we both organize and keep track of it together.
Our heart is that in all things we will have competency (like knowing how to do something, in case of emergency), but in most day-to-day life we will settle into our strengths. This isn’t how everyone organizes their home but the way we are trying to.
Communication is hard. We don’t even know what we don’t know most of the time. It takes a while to learn how to communicate, how to listen, and how to then act in love and humility towards the other. I’ve heard this takes a lifetime of marriage to work out.
Getting the home organized and set up is taking a lot longer than we thought too. We have hosted friends for meals - and would really love to host someone overnight but our guest room is a disaster. It’s the piling station of randomness.
We’ve gotten locked out of our apartment already and had to break in through a window (so glamorous). Only then ten minutes later, seeing a cockroach in our kitchen. Hello BLEACH! And cockroach poison. We’re already creating some great memories to laugh at later and share with our family.
I taught B how to play backgammon on our honeymoon (glamping at Whispering Springs Wilderness Retreat), and we love playing it. It’s a game of strategy. We’re both really competitive and learning how to be gracious losers.
I’m an early riser, and B is energized at night. This has both its strengths and challenges. We’re trying to figure out how to strategically make our energy levels work for our best. We are also learning that it’s okay if we don’t always spend all our “prime time” together. It’s okay if he sleeps in on Saturday, and I’m up at 8am cleaning the bathroom. The toilet really doesn’t clean itself you know. However, cleaning the sink and tub really is hard, but holy, work.
Right after we got married I wanted to iron all of his clothes. He has a lot more dress shirts than me. I do enjoy ironing but it’s a hassle to take it out and set up. So far I’ve ironed once. And the rest has been left. I suppose that’s okay right?
I taught B how to make the bed (to my standards). Now he’s almost better than me! And we’ve somehow worked out how to deal with the top sheet situation. I’m really committed to it. And he hates it. His side gets bunched up in the middle of the bed at night, but faithfully gets pulled out to get tucked under the bed when it’s made. I think he’ll eventually come around to it. I feel so loved when he graciously accepts me and my top sheet.
Being a newlywed comes with challenges, but mostly joys. This morning I asked B, “Has it felt like you’ve been married to me for 2 months?”
He answered, “It’s felt like 2 lifetimes.” We laughed. But hey, it’s been a blessed 2 lifetimes so far.
Photo by Hannah Belvedere