“Does anyone want to be my friend?!?” I cried out in angst to my husband right before bedtime.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been wrestling and mulling over feeling socially disconnected. With having a sick baby consuming several weeks of energy and focus, along with home care and juggling two kids, I hadn’t connected with friends much.

It felt like everyone else was out living normal lives, while I was in the trenches trying to stay afloat assessing baby breathing, getting dinner on the table, driving around for daycare pickup, along with unexpected doctor visits.

(Felt is the key word here because this mental perspective is definitely not true if I look at the reality of life circumstances several of my close friends are facing. We are mostly ALL in the trenches of something challenging and intense.)

On a recent Friday I had a lovely “come up for air” moment and realized I was missing some friends so I blasted a bunch of texts desperate for connection. When I didn’t hear back right away (or within a few hours), I assumed the worst: no one wanted to be my friend.

It’s a dramatic response but one I needed to face and be honest about.
Was that fear true?
Was I trying to reach out and invest in the right people?
Was I feeling disconnected because I was chasing relationships that weren’t realistic and feasible?
With so many different types of people and relationships in my life, how should I prioritize my time and energy?
Who should I reserve my limited time and capacity for?

In my 30s my relational orbit is much different than my early 20s. In my early 20s my relational energy mostly went to friends who were in the same unmarried, kid-free season of life as me. Oh the fun we had when all we had was each other!

Now, being married with two young kids means that my season demands the vast majority of my relational time and focus be given to those who live in my home, and especially to those who are dependant on me. With that reality (and not a bad one!), I’m trying to sort out how to find and maintain healthy, life-giving friendships outside the home––because they are needed and important too!

I’m trying to view my relationships through this lens by asking these questions in order:

Is it reciprocal?
Do they have capacity/availability to connect?
Are there chances for in-person interaction?
What is the Lord’s leading?

Is it reciprocal?

Having this as the first question can quickly filter people out. Not that those people aren’t valuable or have worth, or may be great to interact with––but if the relationship isn’t reciprocal I may not go out of my way to invest the time and energy as I may with someone else.

I’m really trying to ask here: Do I want/desire a friendship with this person?
And asses: Does this person also want/desire the same with me?

I’m looking for evidence of reciprocity on their end. I’m a natural initiator so often in friendships it’s normal for me to initiate/check in about 60-80% of the time. But do they initiate or show interest in me? It doesn’t need to be consistent. It doesn’t need to be regular. But if it’s been months (or years!) and they don’t reach out, or express verbally/written via text that they want to connect with me it may be wise to step back and focus on others who do express wanting the same connection or engagement as I do.

I’m also looking for evidence of reciprocity on my end. Do I want/desire a friendship with this person? It may be weird to admit it if the answer is no, but while we should be friendly to everyone, at the same time we can’t be close friends with everyone. And sometimes we are just drawn naturally to some more than others (due to personality, life experience, etc).

If I do desire a friendship with someone, I’m challenging my heart to assess why that is. What about them am I drawn to? Is it their inner qualities and character? Do they inspire or encourage Christlikeness in me? Do I leave our interactions feeling hopeful, valued, or passionate about growing in my faith with God? Or do I simply want to pursue someone due to their outward appearance or qualities? Am I selfishly trying to attain something from them?

If you’re reading this and sensing a friendship may not be reciprocal one way or the other, I would encourage you to consider seeking out some clarity. It may look like going to that person, being vulnerable and asking them where they are at like, “Hey, I notice I’m often the one initiating conversation or plans and sometimes our friendship doesn’t feel reciprocal. I’m curious what you’re feeling/sensing. I’d love some clarity if you’re able to offer it.”

It also may look like offering some vulnerability and clarity to the other person, that you aren’t able to reciprocate their desire for close friendship. This act of love can feel awkward and uncomfortable, but it honours them. It may free them to move towards others who can reciprocate what they have to offer.

While we should be friendly to everyone, at the same time we can’t be close friends with everyone.

Do they have capacity/availability to connect?

There’s a chance that a friendship may be reciprocal but neither of us has the capacity/availability to connect. It could be one of those “in a perfect world” friendships, or “in another season of life” realities.

If the capacity and availability isn’t there, then I’ll still value connection with this person but it may be paused for some time. I’m not going to chase someone down endlessly who just simply can’t fit me in their life (for potentially many great reasons!).

This is one of the largest barriers to friendship that I currently face. In my 30s being married with young kids, many of my close friends from my 20s are now in a similar season of life as me. So we mostly all have young kids. With young kids comes demands, schedules, and work/homes to attend. That leaves a small margin of capacity and availability for others.

I’m learning to adjust my expectations for what valuable friendship connection looks like. Here are some things I’m trying to do in my small pockets of time:

Record a 2min prayer for them in a voice memo and send via text.
Coordinate a 30min phone call maybe once a month.
Use the Voxer app to send audio updates as I walk the dog and push the stroller around the block.
Plan ahead and book a lunch or breakfast and make sure not to crowd my schedule that day.
Respond to someone’s Instagram story and then follow up with a quick text.

Also in my season of life I’m embracing the reality that meaningful connection with a friend may look more like connecting every 1-2 months (depending on proximity) and not daily texting.

Side note: From the list above you can see my natural way to connect with others: through words. Which may be totally different from how you best connect and love others well. Perhaps you love to make meals, pick up gifts, send gift cards, be present by driving around and doing errands together. All (and others) are valuable ways to meaningfully.

In the past month I’ve been able to drop off bread and tulips for different friends when in-person connection wasn’t an option. I’m not a meal-making lady (except bread), but sending an Uber Eats gift card is my go-to.

Caption: Tulip Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash.

Are there chances for in-person interaction?

This question is not a make or break, but it’s important to consider. While some friendships may exist solely online or through using technology to connect, I find the really valuable ones have some in-person touch points.

Sadly a lot of my dear friends from past seasons of life live far away now. Boooo. Move back to my city please!

Proximity matters. Seeing people in the flesh, hearing about their lives, and not just seeing the online highlight reel is important.

I also use this question to help assess if there are any new friendships I could/should invest in. Who has God placed in my immediate orbit? Neighbourhood? Church? I need to be mindful of people whom I may naturally rub shoulders with in-person on an ongoing basis.

What is the Lord’s leading?

This question doesn’t have to be last, in fact it could be asked first:

What is the Lord’s leading?
Are there chances for in-person interaction?
Do they have capacity/availability to connect?
Is it reciprocal?

This question may apply more to followers of Jesus but it still is worth considering for everyone. As God created me, and those I interact with, he cares about how we love and engage with each other. Are there particular people he is leading me to reach out to, that in a first pass I may not notice?

Or, perhaps there’s a friendship that needs a step of faith to surrender and let go. Perhaps you both need to be freed from the commitment to regularly engaging with each other so that you can move on to new people and new focuses.

Is God impressing upon you to reach out and draw close?
Is God impressing upon you to release and step back?

In order to explore potential answers here I often need silence and solitude, prayer and time to process. In time God makes it clear as I draw near to him.

That night where I cried out to my husband in angst, “Does anyone want to be my friend?!?” ended in laughter. He strode into the bedroom about 30 mins later blasting on his phone and singing out loud, “You’ve got a friend in me” from Toy Story. I had already mentally moved on from my outburst so this caught me by surprise and filled me with joy. I felt loved.

I’m thankful for my husband’s deep friendship and care for me. For his help as I processed some of the opportunities for friendship in my life. I’m also thankful for how he celebrates with me when friends respond to my texts, or initiate plans to connect.

This framework for viewing and assessing my outside-of-home friendships is new to me. I’m still sorting out the nuances of it and seeking God’s wisdom and guidance about how to apply it.

Do you want to be my friend? How to find and maintain friendships in my 30s

Is it reciprocal?

Do they have capacity/availability to connect?

Are there chances for in-person interaction?

What is the Lord’s leading?