The weight of words in relationship conflict and repair

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, my heart fuming in frustration. How could he say that?!?!

My husband B had just spouted some spiteful, cutting words very passive aggressively and I was sent reeling. I had no idea what was going on, and I was feeling exhausted myself––I didn’t want to deal with this drama. I had just tried to ask and clarify what was going on but he had shut down, seemingly refusing to engage.

My heart swarmed like an angry hornet’s nest. I wanted to yell and scream and get a rise out of him. Force him to talk and hash out what the heck was going on behind his bitter veneer but a small voice reminded me: “Don’t escalate it. If you say ‘this and that’ it will only get worse.” The voice of the Holy Spirit was warning me. It was encouraging me to step back, cool my heart, and turn to God for wisdom about how to engage my husband best. But I didn’t want to listen.

I stormed back into our bedroom and said, this and that.

My angry words were winding up like a baseball bat taking swings left and right. Though he had emotionally and verbally shut down, I wanted him to engage. I needed him to engage. He started it, so why wasn’t he going to finish it? Yet my angry words were completely escalating the conflict. I wanted a reaction. Not the one we truly needed, but I got one all the same.

Explosion.

I watched my husband completely melt down in front of me, emotionally and verbally. I was stunned, frightened and wanted to run away. What had I done? What had I unleashed? Why had I pushed and attacked so hard out of my own anger?

It’s been about five months now since that night but the impact of it still lingers and impacts how we relate to each other. Hopefully for the better.

This very rare explosive reaction from my husband was unsettling and overwhelming. It revealed something really key to me: the pattern and direction of our conflicts were heading in a horrible direction. Over the course of our short(ish) marriage it felt like we were hitting more walls, and talking past each other.

We didn’t have these type of conflicts or emotional breakdowns very regularly, but when they did occur we may as well have been driving opposite directions on the highway emotionally. We were totally missing each other, feeling angry, unheard, and unappreciated in our investment in our marriage and family.

Conflict and stress (also called “rupture”) is normal. Whether from external circumstantial stress, or due to reactions from our own emotional pain or past, rupture happens in all relationships. Though we may not have the intention to hurt someone, the impact of our words/actions creates a chasm that needs to be closed and reconciled.

The weight of our words

In our rupture, I at first didn’t appreciate or understand the dynamic of what was truly going on between us in regards to the weight of our words. In moments of conflict the words that were said, and unsaid, held a lot of power and influence for good or evil.

In the midst of conflict, I am tempted to say too many words.

My husband is tempted to not say enough words.

This pattern between two people can be common, in fact we’ve had friends discuss their relationship conflict in a similar way. But the more B shuts down and doesn’t want to engage, the more I want to come at him like a wild animal using my quick processing and articulate tongue to drive daggers into his heart. This dynamic of communication within a conflict can quickly lead to death, instead of reconciliation, repair, and deeper unity.

In moments of conflict the words that were said, and unsaid, held a lot of power and influence for good or evil.

When my husband shuts down verbally it causes me pain. I feel trapped and helpless, and it is scary. How long is the freeze going to last? It stirs up old pain from my childhood of being emotionally stonewalled.

When I attack my husband verbally it causes him pain. It digs into old emotional wounds. Both of our responses only escalate the conflict or rupture that had already begun. Instead of sharing vulnerably how we are feeling when there’s been a hurtful impact of words/actions, and the other seeking to try to listen and understand, we both get on the defensive and offensive.

Value in pausing

That night five months ago caused me to really pause and think about what was going on. The direction we were headed was not a good one. I needed to reach out for help. We needed help in working through whatever dynamic was going on so that our marriage and unity wouldn’t slowly die and fall apart as collateral damage.

I reached out to a trusted friend who is an experienced counsellor for support and insight. They offered to meet with both of us together for marriage counselling. My husband also knew and trusted them, so it was a great fit. We arranged our schedules so that we could connect in person once a month to debrief any little ruptures and process how to listen and care for each other well.

It was in these marriage counselling session we realized the dynamic of the power of our words, how I was saying far too much and he was saying far too little.

Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” I was being foolish in speaking my anger, thoughts, and feelings without also first trying to understand and really listen what was happening in my husband’s heart.

As most people can attest when there’s a conflict, one person often needs more time to process than the other. That was B. He needed some time to sort out his feelings and figure out how to communicate them, while I was ready to engage immediately. Yet when he didn’t tell me that, I thought he was just trying to cut me out. When I was forcing him to talk when he wasn’t ready, I was making it even harder for him to share vulnerably and honestly.

One way to address this was for him to honestly tell me he needed some time, and then set a specific time and date for us to circle back and work through the topic together. This “pause” allowed him to pray, seek counsel if needed, and work through his emotions and thoughts to share. It allowed me to pray too, and settle my emotions so that I was coming to the conversation ready to listen instead of speak over him. When we set a specific time and date, it helped me feel more secure––a conversation and reconciliation were coming. In faith I could entrust that waiting time to God, and pray for us both to be ready to connect.

By pausing in the heat of the moment and making a plan to connect when we were both ready, it was one key way to de-escalate and speak life into the relationship. We were saving space for God to work in both our hearts and prepare us to come together to sort it out after the emotions had settled a bit.

speaking life

One powerful takeaway our counsellor encouraged us to do was to speak life to each other daily, or as much as possible. This often looked like verbally encouraging each other (especially in front of our kids or others) and “building them up”. This simple way to acknowledge the work, effort, and impact of each other has gone a long way.

And yet something that seems so simple can be hard to do. We get distracted and busy. I tend to focus on the negatives of the day instead of the positives. But when it does happen, it is life giving. Being truly seen by our spouse and lifted up verbally is deeply encouraging. We often see each other’s weaknesses and pitfalls––and can be quick to address those. But choosing to speak life into each other seems to feed our emotional tanks and lessen the unintentional impact of hurtful words/actions. It seems to stave off the small nit-picky arguments and passive aggressive comments that can tear us down so easily.

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” When we build up others appropriately speaking truth and encouragement, it actually can be a conduit of God’s grace in their life.

That humbles me. My words can either lead to tearing another down, causing hurt and creating a deep chasm between us, or they can deliver God’s grace to another’s heart, offering encouragement and joy.

being mindful

Practically one phrase that has made a huge difference in avoiding defensiveness while also asking for help and correction is “Can you be mindful?”

We use it when the other person has made a mistake or done something wrong. Instead of addressing the error in an aggressive or frustrated way, we ask: “Next time you do ______, can you be mindful to ______.” Even speaking the phrase itself, it often doesn’t easily come out in an angry or frustrated tone. It seems to inherently assume the best of the other person, while explaining what and how may need to be done differently next time. Saying “next time” also speaks hope into the other being more aware and doesn’t assume that they will make the same mistake again and again.

It’s the total opposite of the horrible phrase, “you always do ______!” which often goes no where good fast. That quickly gets the other person’s defensiveness up.

from rupture to repair

Rupture (or conflict) in all relationships to some degree is normal. My husband and I are learning how to repair well once there’s been a rupture. Or when a rupture happens, how to wisely navigate it to avoid causing more pain and division.

At the heart of repair is moving towards another person in love. When there’s been a rupture and our hearts are angry hornet’s nests ready to sting the other with our words, it can feel impossible to move towards the other person in love. Our words are simply an overflow of what is happening in our hearts.

James warns us about the power of our words and how it relates to our hearts in James 3:5-10,

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. (Emphasis mine.)

Do you see how James accurately depicts our words? Our words stain (or ruin) our whole selves. They can set our lives on fire and cause massive death and destruction. Our words can be dangerous, and double-minded. We easily switch between blessing God and cursing others who are made in his image. This isn’t how God designed our relationships to be. As Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:29 (above), we are to use our words to build others up and convey God’s grace to them.

But it’s this detail in James 3:8 that is the biggest revealer to me, “no human being can tame the tongue”. We lack the control over our own words which easily come spilling out of our mouths ready to hurt those we love most dearly.

So what hope do we have in repairing after a rupture? How do we move towards another person in love when we are so tempted to hurt them, or even after we already have?

These are the million dollar questions in relationships. And there aren’t single, simple answers. I can’t answer them for you, but I seek God’s wisdom and direction in helping me find those answers for the people I’m in relationship with.

For me it involves prayer, surrendering my frustrated emotions.
It looks like meeting with my personal counsellor for wisdom and insight.
It involves going to marriage counselling with my husband, working out tensions and issues as they arise.
It looks like confessing I don’t have the ability to move towards others in love in my own strength, even though I wish I did.
And then it looks like embracing God’s grace and new mercies each day to try and try again.
It involves sharing openly in community in my local church and amongst my closest friends.
It includes confessing my sin of angry words to others, or bitterness and frustration in my heart.
It looks like asking for forgiveness, and being willing to forgive others when they fail and hurt me.
It involved repentance: turning from my sin and turning back to following and obeying Christ’s Holy Spirit who dwells inside me by faith.
And praying for God’s mercy––that there is no rupture big enough that cannot be repaired on this side of eternity.

As I seek to follow Jesus, be his disciple and hopefully grow to become more like him, I hope repair after a rupture or conflict becomes easier and quicker. Remember when I mentioned the Holy Spirit was reminding me not to escalate the conflict by saying “this and that”? Following Jesus includes obeying the Spirit when I get those reminders. I need to pray for God’s help to stop and turn from my temptation to blaze ahead with anger towards surrender and a willingness to humble myself towards listening and moving forward in love. Or waiting peacefully until we can repair whatever has happened.

So how has the past five months gone with my husband as we have sought to weigh our words, pause, speak life into each other, and be mindful?

That huge argument I shared about back in the early fall took place after we had returned home from being hospitalized with our newborn who spent time in the ICU. The stressful and traumatic circumstances didn’t cause the conflict, but the stress simply allowed the cracks and weakness to rise to the surface.

Over the past five months as we have encountered more stress and circumstances beyond our control (including another recent hospitalization), there has been a lot more pausing, listening, grace extending, and moving towards the other in love and service. By God’s grace there has been much less bitterness, passive aggressive comments, and emotional meltdowns. Not because there hasn’t been hard emotions to work through. But we’ve been more built up and equipped to engage with them wisely and lovingly. There is hope. God is present and active and working.