Grief in Pregnancy
What are you supposed to do when pregnancy is really hard?
I mean yes, it can be extremely uncomfortable physically and there can be bouts of sickness, but what if it extends beyond what “most moms” seem to experience?
I’m currently pregnant with my second child and it has been a really hard pregnancy. Here are some of my symptoms which are triggered by pregnancy hormones and started around week 6 and continue into my second trimester:
Debilitating fatigue (I was bedridden for 3 weeks, and couldn’t work for a month)
Intense 24/7 nausea (I take the max amount of prescription medicine for nausea which is 6 pills a day, plus I take gravol at night)
Perinatal depression (otherwise never experienced depression in my life)
Traumatic recurring nightmares
Trauma flashbacks during the day
Intrusive and circular thoughts
Excruciating back pain and back spasms (apparently my spine was slightly out of place from my first birth)
I’ll say upfront, I have amazing doctors and medical practitioners who watch symptoms with me and help me access the medicinal care that keeps me stable most days. The fatigue, nausea, and perinatal depression I had with my first born while pregnant (only pregnant, nothing postpartum!), so I was on high alert for symptoms the second time round and started medication early.
I’ll also say my husband has been an amazing support to me, and for days, weeks, and months has pulled extra effort to care for our home and first born while I was bedridden and too sick to do anything. Both of our families have also been super supportive and encouraging from afar (most live overseas), as well as my mom who has been able to come and help in our home when she can.
Most of what I remember from the first trimester of my first pregnancy (in 2021) was it being a dark time. Somehow, this second pregnancy has been even darker.
I know of other women who experienced hormone triggered mental health issues in pregnancy, ranging from perinatal anxiety/depression, to suicidal thoughts. It’s not common for the majority of women, but it can happen. Hormones have a powerful impact on the brain and body, even when they are doing really GOOD things like growing a human in your body!
It can also be random and unexpected, not realizing the impact hormones may have. I’ve experienced anxiety pre-pregnancy but never depression. It took me a few weeks in my first pregnancy to actually identify what I was experiencing. It was horrible. The second time I had symptoms for one day to know what was coming and was able to respond quickly with medication (with support from my family doctor).
Being sick for a few days can be stressful on your home and partner. But when the sickness stretches to a few weeks, or even months it can take a serious toll. My experience with intense symptoms in pregnancy give me empathy and understanding for those who have chronic illness.
How do you keep going when the pain or illness never seems to go away?
At least with pregnancy there IS an ending point. But postpartum can bring a whole new set of struggles physically, emotionally, and relationally.
👉🏻You can read about some of my postpartum adjustment struggles in my marriage after my firstborn here with The Gospel Coalition Canada: To Be Married with a Newborn Is a Reminder We Can’t Do It All.
Processing my grief
Much of the emotional toll I was experiencing in my pregnancy was centred around grief.
I had grief over losing physical capacity in my body.
I had grief over the traumatic nightmares and flashbacks.
I had grief over past hurts and circulating thoughts I struggled to escape from.
I had grief over this second pregnancy being “harder” than the first.
I had grief over not being able to engage in spiritual practices, leaving me feeling “far” from God.
I had grief over the impact my illness was having on my incredible husband who was crumbling at times over the weight and pressure of caring for a full household on his own.
Though the pregnancy was already having a huge physical toll on my body, the grief added another layer of physical and emotional impact––a heavy weight that was hard to carry day to day.
Caring for myself in the midst of grief
The amount of symptoms that I’ve been going through has been definitely overwhelming at times. Many nights I feel I have hit my limit. Crying out to God: “How long oh Lord? I don’t think I can carry this another day.”
Somehow the morning would come and there would be miraculously fresh mercies and energy.
In the weight and grief of pregnancy I had to both release what I could not control, and actively do my best to care for myself in the ways I could influence.
What I couldn’t control was the symptoms that assaulted me. I could control caring for my body physically. This helped mitigate the impact of the emotional weight I was carrying.
How I care(d) for myself:
Regularly took medicine (both prescribed and OTC) to combat intense symptoms to alleviate suffering
Saw a TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) doctor who was able to massage my spine back into place and remove my back spasms and spinal pain
Aimed to sleep 10-11 hours a night, often taking naps during the day as well
Attended regular counselling appointments
Attended EMDR Trauma Therapy to address the traumatic nightmares (over a period of two months)
Attended church weekly to bless others with my presence and be ministered to
Returned to the gym as often as I could to move my body in familiar ways pre-pregnancy (after I hit 12 weeks because I had no capacity to do it sooner)
Saw my prenatal massage therapist to help relax my body
Went to the dentist and got a new mouth guard during sleep that was softer and removed my constant jaw tension and pain
Ate as often and as healthy as I was able, while also operating mostly in “survival mode”, eating whatever I could to help my body feel better
Checked in with my midwives regularly and stayed on top of my ultrasounds and appointments
Followed up with my family doctor regarding my medicine for perinatal depression and any other concerns
I think in the period of one month I had almost 30 medical appointments. It was intense but necessary.
My faith played a huge role in this time too––I needed to pray and ask God to “rest with me” as I felt I had no capacity to engage in faith practices that previously grounded me. My physical and mental capacity to read the Bible lessened during this time. As well as my energy to attend church or services outside of a Sunday morning worship time.
I needed to trust that God was resting with me, and helping carry me through the storm of my symptoms even when I didn’t see when they would end or change.
I had to trust that God was present and active in the therapy and healing journey I was on––that he was leading the process and was surfacing old wounds to invite me into new realms of healing and restoration.
Sorrow and motherhood meet
The ministry of Risen Motherhood has released a new podcast mini-series on grief (winter 2023) and it could not be more timely for me. Grief 01: Where Sorrow and Motherhood Meet had me pausing and rewinding several times. Even if you aren’t a mom or going through a season of grief, it is worth a listen or sharing with a friend who is.
I appreciated how Emily and Laura addressed grief in the context of motherhood. They shared their personal experiences vulnerably.
Here are some quotes and points they shared in Grief 01 that resonated with me:
“Motherhood goes on, even when you’re grieving and you need to learn how to apply the gospel and walk through it well” (15:09)
“There are no two losses that are exactly the same and each stands alone and unique in the suffering that it brings” (16:20)
“Why do we grieve and where does grief come from? It’s from the fall when Adam and Eve disobeyed God in the garden of Eden” (19:45)
“Motherhood from womb to tomb, will include grief, not just the day of the child’s birth [in discussing the physical pain of childbirth] (20:41)
Three truths about grief:
“It is okay to grieve, it is not wrong to feel sorrow and sadness and to be upset that things are not the way they are supposed to be” (23:15)
“God is with us when we grieve…even when we experience doubts perhaps for the first time…doubt is a natural process in our grief” (26:40)
“God uses our grief for his good plans and purposes…it is a tool for our sanctification and can help strengthen our faith” (28:10)
“We can comfort and help others go through [grief] themselves” (31:31)
“When we come to know the darkness so well, we also have the capacity to experience light even more––the peace, joy, the love, the kindness…we are able to offer light in dark spaces” (32:13)
“We are able to have joy and peace and rest in Christ regardless of our circumstances or situation” (34:12)
There are so many amazing and helpful thoughts in between those quotes so I really encourage you to go ahead and listen and process for yourselves.
The Risen Motherhood grief landing page also offers more support and resources, like blog posts and even a Spotify playlist. You can also sign up to receive their free liturgy for moms they created in partnership with Every Moment Holy.
There is so much support for moms (and others) who are walking through grief.
There is so much hope in the gospel which offers a bigger story and perspective on our own sufferings and challenges on this side of eternity.
There is so much hope for my pregnancy journey which experiences normal ups and downs––and hopefully more stability now that I’m in the second half of growing this babe. There has been even more unexpected sickness and setbacks, but also even more healing, peace, and joy than I thought possible in those moments when I felt deep despair.
Hope in life and death
In pregnancy, the veil between life and death can feel thin.
As you grow and sustain life, the anxiety (and reality) of pregnancy loss can loom large. In August 2020 my first pregnancy ended early in misscarriage at 5 weeks. It took several months to process and walk through the grief, which only resurfaced when I became pregnant again 5 months later.
👉🏻You can read about my first pregnancy experience and the impact of my miscarriage in My pregnancy by trimester.
In pregnancy there can be grief over the reality that you carry life within you, and it’s possible for that life to tragically end. Where can we find hope in the journey? In pregnancy loss? In pregnancy that’s hard but leads to life?
The hymn Christ Our Hope In Life and Death by Keith and Kristyn Getty brought me so much encouragement recently when we sang it in our local Sunday church service. Some stanzas that stand out:
What is our hope in life and death?
Christ alone, Christ alone
What is our only confidence?
That our souls to him belong
Who holds our days within his hand?
What comes, apart from his command?
And what will keep us to the end?
The love of Christ, in which we stand
Who holds our faith when fears arise?
Who stands above the stormy trial?
Who sends the waves that bring us nigh?
Unto the shore, the rock of Christ
Unto the grave, what shall we sing?
"Christ, he lives! Christ, he lives!"
And what reward will heaven bring?
Everlasting life with him
In grief, in loss, in life––our hope must be in Christ alone.
In his identity of being both God and man.
In his perfect life lived on earth.
In his death on the cross, paying the debt we owed to God for our sin.
In his resurrection from the grave, defeating the power of death forever.
In his ascension to the Father, where he resides in heaven.
In his future return to earth to defeat Satan and evil and death forever.
In his full restoration of the earth where we will experience everlasting life with him.
This may seem like a spiritual platitude, but it’s not. It’s very real hope that can ground us through the worst moments of grief, sickness, and loss.
In your moments of grief, whether through pregnancy, parenthood, family, work, or life may you find comfort in Jesus, the God who created you, loves you, and offers his sustaining power and hope through the gospel.
