Learning how to pull back

I started 2021 needing a season of pause. It’s been much quieter in this space.

My desire to write and share my life, thoughts, dreams, and desires with the world has lessened. Not because I don’t have anything to say (or that my life has been paused), but I’m slowly recovering from the trauma and stress of 2020. And allowing myself the space and freedom to be less available to the world.

To be less available I needed to make choices that were at first really hard: How do we say “no” to people who add stress and exhaustion to our lives? I also needed to consider: What does healthy engagement on social media look like?

My counsellor also helped me consider the questions: What life do I exist best in? What relationships do I exist best in?

I’m still processing, although the time and space so far this year has brought some clarity to those questions, and gave direction for me to move forward.

I decided that in order to become less available to the “world”, I needed to pause being on Instagram. So I took the month of January off. It actually was easier than I expected, and although I love the idea of taking 1 week off Instagram a month, I haven’t been able to start that rhythm yet. It wasn’t that Instagram was causing me stress or anxiety, but it gave others access to me directly that I needed a break from. There were also some Instagram-related stressors at work in the fall that were heavy to bear the weight of.

I also identified later in the winter a few relationships which were anxiety inducing. Stepping back from these friendships for a season has brought me so much peace and freedom to engage with others. It’s also given me the space to learn and grow about how to love and invest in others when they are in hard places in life. I need some emotional buffer to allow God to shape and teach my heart.

If I’m to be very honest: I’m also just plain weary and exhausted by Covid. I’m thankful that actually much of 2020 I felt resilient, strength to obey health recommendations, and perseverance and hope that things would improve. Yet, while my community seems to have taken 3 steps forward in tackling this pandemic, we’ve also taken about 5 steps back. What causes the most exhaustion I think is all of the drama and controversy around it.

I’m thinking about: What does it mean to be faithful as we lean into more disruption?

I don’t have the emotional capacity to critique the government, rally against them, or fight against lockdown orders. Instead I want to be stay in my lane-and try to be faithful in following God and loving those around me. Which can be hard even when you’re not in a global pandemic.

I want the fruit, or overflow, of my life to be more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Not anger, hostility, criticism, or bitterness. Honestly I see enough of that on the internet-mostly from other Christians and churches. The lack of unity and social drama over mask wearing, social distancing, and gatherings has felt so discouraging. I don’t want to add to the chaos and the fighting but try to be faithful to follow and honour our provincial leaders, waiting on God to provide an end to this pandemic. Even if our leaders do make mistakes and poor decisions (which they do), I’m trying to surrender my frustration and weariness up to God and not make my voice louder online. How is feeling angry and bitter towards our leaders going to help me get through this in one piece? I know the toll and tear that path will have on my own soul.

Now we’re entering Spring and our months of planning are starting to bear fruit as we begin the work on our new home. Most of the demo is finished already and the trades work has begun. It’s exciting but also tiring. It reminds me of my wedding with the adrenaline, positive and exciting stress on the body, and anticipation seeing if all the details will come together. Building a home has been a joy, and I’m so grateful for B who has led out well and worked alongside me as a true team to see all of this come together.

We enter a season of transition. Of working on a new home. Packing up our first apartment. Moving into the new home. And adjusting to a new life and preparing for more to come in the future. It feels like a lot. So I guess in order to exist peacefully and maintain healthy margin in my life I have less words to share overtime.

But it won’t last forever. Perhaps I’ll find new words or a new way to share them as the year unfolds. There are also some deeply personal lessons God is teaching me that I just need to hold close to me for a while. Things I’m not ready to speak about yet. I’m learning the tension and balance in that too.

Ecclesiastes 3:6 reminds me there is, “a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.”

My prayer is that each of us would learn how to be silent to the glory of God and good of others, and speak to the glory of God and good of others.

Photo by Masaaki Komori on Unsplash.